I’m doing my life for me.

         I’ve decided I’m going to do life for me.  I’m going to congratulate myself for doing life.  I’m going to be selfish, kind, mean, lovely, sad, and I’m going to fuck up, but I deserve that extra brownie.  I deserve to drink another chunk-free smoothie at Robeks because life is hard, and I’m doing it.  I deserve to feel serenity and joy, even when others don’t approve of me or if I make a mistake.  

         I’m going to go to school and become more independent and be free, I’m just going to get it done my way in whatever way I am at the time.  If I really can’t do it now, I’ll do it after.  There’s no limit on the emotions of future nows, but I’ll do it after it ends or lessens enough. I’m going to live my own way, and feel my way through.  Sometimes I’ll walk barefoot in gravel, that’s ok, I’ll just sit down in between steps or crawls.  Sometimes I’ll run.

Nothing in this life is infinite, I have to remember. I’m just a brain and veins and cells and toes and oxygen.  I’m natural and I’m just one in six billion and I’m trivial but I’m so happy for that.  

The Stars Are Waiting

I’m too cold and it’s just good enough.

Do stars feel cold?

I’ve heard I am their dust

Do they decide to silver buttons

Or hide behind the cloak,

Whose fabric unravels from all the ways

The universe moves.

Some day decisions will decide for me,

Even if it’s yesterday.

But for this moment, and that is all

That will always breathe here,

I will rock under this weight so swiftly

That I leap over and

Fly far from this definite floor.

Time flies too.

Just not fast enough,

Sometimes.

Scraping Towards a Better Under

It is therapeutic to scrub away green paint on a table with sandpaper, especially if it is with a good friend.  We sit on the sharp grass with worn faces and less worn clothes.

My sadness is sage green, and we rub it away.  The corners are much harder, they scoff at our efforts, and I get dirt under my fingernails and peeled skin.  The powder sits there, waiting for someone to blow it towards the moon…drifting farther and farther away from here.